Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
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My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
“Huge”.