me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
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Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info