If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
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me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line