cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
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BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!