Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no