[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
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There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are