squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
You Might Also Like
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I’m having an out of money experience.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.