My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
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Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.