I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
You Might Also Like
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit