Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
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The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued