Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
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Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Every time.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?