Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
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SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
こいつ天才
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?