If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
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My circle of trust is a meatball
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
2022 be like
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
I’m not stressed
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…