Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
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You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
me logging onto twitter
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.