“you changed” bro i was 15
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My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.