*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Nice try Hitler
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.