* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
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Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.