If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
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—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.