I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
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Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.