Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
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I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning