It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
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People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
see you in hell you stupid fruit
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.