I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
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Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
❤️🦆
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Dudes named Chance never had one.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.