Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My spirit animal is fried chicken
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
October already? What’s next? November????
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf