You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
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Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while