Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Here’s a meme
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”