“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
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You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early