Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
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Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us