I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
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Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My flabber has been gasted.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
philosophical skeletons be like
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 馃檨
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I鈥檓 gonna have sex tonight
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 馃檪
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don鈥檛 think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we鈥檙e having
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it鈥檚 better not risk it.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.