Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
You Might Also Like
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow