That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
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*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
is this how new cars are made??
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
Haha good job!!
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.