Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
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AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”