I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
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goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.