How all things should be taught/explained.
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I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude