It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
You Might Also Like
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?