Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
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5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back