Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
You Might Also Like
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.