casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
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Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My life coach traded me.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.