I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
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I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
I’m confused about plants
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
sir, my pâté if you please
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.