Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
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*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.