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The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Don’t touch that.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.