Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 馃槵
Host: What now? 馃え
Me *bids farewell*
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn鈥檛 have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Snoring doesn鈥檛 sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I鈥檝e been lied to my entire life
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
NOAH鈥橲 NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it鈥檚 an ark
NOAH鈥橲 NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it鈥檚 an ark
NOAH鈥橲 NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH鈥橲 NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift