Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
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I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.