*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
TODAY