A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
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We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people