Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
You Might Also Like
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.