Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
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Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.