My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
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[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable