i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
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For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.