I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
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Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
How to find Kentucky on a map
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.