Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
is it earth
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.